Stay Beautiful....

I haven't blogged for a long time! And although I should be catching up on my family and what we have been up to... I cant help but come here and vent a little on something that has been bothering me.
I have been scrutinized many times for having tattoos. I knew I would be, but I guess I never thought that people would be as cruel and vocal as they are. I am still the same person I was before I had tattoos. Ive had anything from elderly, to a woman in public bathroom downing me and who I am because of a tattoo. But more recently it was a little girl, who pointed them out to her mother in the store. I could see her pointing at my wrists and asking her mother what it was. Children are innocent, and her curiosity isn't what got to me. It was the disgusted look on the mothers face as she pulled her daughter away while telling her that it was a tattoo, and that tattoos are for bad people. Her answer nearly dropped me to my knees! My parents were always good to teach me how to treat my body, but they never once tried to make me believe that something on the outside makes a person. And it hit me, what are we teaching our children? I understand opinions on tattoos, my mom isn't a huge fan of them, or mine. But she as never discouraged me from doing what I want to do.
Tattoos are given a bad name. Some of the best people in the world have tattoos, and some of the worst people don't. My tattoos don't define me. They were very much a healing process for me. Ive never felt that I had to defend them, but have been open on telling my story behind them.
I am not covered head to toe. I have 2, one on each wrist. My left wrist has my wedding date, 8-13-11 and the word Stay, my right the word Beautiful. I was struggling in life, and had written Taylor Swifts lyrics to the song "Stay Beautiful" on my body mirror. It said, "You're beautiful, every little piece. And don't you know you're really gonna be someone"
Im not going to go into detail, but during a very horrible several year Eating disorder. I went through incredibly bad body image issues, and ended up punching that mirror after reading those words. I was very lost, and very much consumed in this web of fear. I nearly took it too far in August of 2010, and after coming that close to losing my life, I knew I had to fight against this darkness that had overtaken me. when I met my husband in December, I had come a ways in recovery. But I wasn't nearly where I needed to be. Instead of judging me, he did all he could to understand my issues. In my mom and Chad I found my strength to move pass that struggle and find the beauty in life. They saved me. So when I got my tattoo on our Honeymoon in San Francisco, I chose to put our wedding date. That was the day I made a promise to myself, Chad, and my family to continue on my path to staying healthy. And the song title "Stay Beautiful" In a place that I would see everytime I ate or got ready for the day, that would remind me that I am beautiful, and to stay that way. Being somewhere that could be a constant reminder to me, also means that it is in a place that everyone gets to see as well.
I am not in any way saying that people cant have their own opinions, but that is exactly it. Keep them your own opinions, don't stray others to believe your views. And its okay to teach your children to love and respect their bodies, and even teach them religious views on tattoos. But its not fair to them to blur their own judgment on who is good and bad based on an outwardly appearance. I am LDS I fully understand the views of the church on tattoos, and I am not justifying myself in anyway. In my own opinion I love tattoos, I think that if done right, for the right reasons, they can be a work of art. Used for healing, remembrance, or memory. I don't know if I will ever get another tattoo, and if I do, I am sure that it will be something I am just as proud of. I don't do  regrets. Ive made many mistakes in my life and have chosen to believe that regrets don't get you anywhere. And my choices for tattoos is definitely something  that I have never regretted or questioned, even when I am being scrutinized.
Sorry for the vent, but sometimes I think that people need to be reminded that its not whats on the outside, in many different issues. And if I don't call it out when I see it, who else will.

He finally arrives! (Little late post)

Well, after a month of threatening to come, our baby boy finally made his way into the world. Because of my cervical history, my doctor thought he could come early... and starting the day before our anniversary (August 12th) I had horrible consistant contractions, we were sure it was time! Sure enough though he wasnt ready and we were able to go through the temple on our Anniversary (Post to come about that day later)
He continued to threaten to come, and we ended up pretty much living at Chad's Parents house for the two weeks before he came, just incase...
At 37-38 weeks my Dr stripped me, and we of course thought that it would give him the push to come.... but it didnt. The next week, (Monday September 10th) he stripped me again. That night I didnt sleep at all, I had the worst PMS feeling cramps I had ever felt before. The next morning I went to work, and was having contractions consistently 12 minutes apart. By 2:00 I had to leave work, I couldnt stand sitting there in pain any longer.
Chad and I did errands, and they rapidly went from 12 minutes to 6-7 and increased in intensity so much that I couldnt walk. Finally around 4:30 we went to the Hospital, my contractions were 3-4 minutes apart and I couldnt breathe or talk through them any more. They got me all settled in, and checked me... she said I was a 2-2+ which I knew had to be wrong, I was a 3 at my appointment the day before. So I was extremely aggrivated when she told me it was false labor and sent us home. She advised I drink two glasses of water and they would go away.. so I did.. and they DIDNT!
I labored at Chad's parents house until 1:00 a.m wednesday morning, when I couldnt handle it anymore. They were 1-2 minutes apart and lasting about a minute and a half. So we went in again and they watched me for an hour, finally admitting me because the nurse said I was now at a 3+... I got into my room and let Chad take a nap. I was trying to go natural, and I had made it 13 and a half hours before I finally caved and got the epidural. I wasnt dialating and I was so exhausted from not sleeping the night before that I couldnt do it any more. They gave me an Epidural at 4:30 when i was supposedly a 5+. My water then broke by itself and I was able to relax until my new nurse came to check me at 6:30, sure enough I was at a 10! Before I knew it there were five or more nurses in the room pulling out equiptment, and I was trying to wake Chad up. I finally got him awake enough to ask if he was ready to have a baby, he was so confused! He called our moms and told them to haul butt, I was starting to push. And the nurses called Dr. Benham, who thought I was still at a 5. And was not happy when i told him she said i was a 2 when i came in, he knew she was wrong and wondered how long i had really been a 10 with him engaged? The nurse forced Chad out of his sleepy daze by making him hold my leg. I pushed for 15 minutes before my mom and Joelene got there, shortly after Dr. Benham arrived. They all were there for the last three pushes. I pushed a total of 25 minutes and he was born at 6:59 a.m. 6 lbs 13 oz. 18 1/2 inches. And I was only in active labor for 15 and a half hours (not bad for my first!) and all but two un-medicated!
That kind of experience is something you cant really explain, unless you've done it, you have no idea how magical it really is. They immediately put him up on my chest and I was able to kiss and hold him, thankfully he came out extremely clean! (Even the nurses were surprised at how clean he was.) Im not sure what was more powerful, my son looking me in the eyes for the first time. Or turning to looking into my husbands eyes and knowing we created him together. Both were full of a powerfull love I had never experienced before. I fell even more in love with my husband that day, I have the most beautiful family, and I feel so blessed. I have two very handsome boys that I love more than life itself, their my world, and the family I always wished and prayed for.

23 Weeks!!

Whew! I can't believe that the little monkey and I have already crossed the halfway point! And although I am not out of the danger zone (are you ever really?) I still find comfort in knowing that we have made it this far!
My little boy is a survivor, Chad and I went through alot in the months that I concieved, and weren't aware of the pregnancy at the time.
Our little one was concieved in December, what should be roughly days before I went in for my first procedure. I expressed to my doctor that I had just "Felt" pregnant. I had so strongly believed that I was pregnant just shortly before I found out that I had cancer cells. But she insisted that it was probably just a chemical pregnancy. So onward we went, I had my first procedure four days before Christmas. The day before Christmas Eve I began to have some heavy bleeding, I lost quite a bit of tissue, but I thought that it was normal.. I had one more procedure in December before my big one at the beginning of January. My doctor then told me that my cervix was weak and would need at least a year before I could start trying, which devestated me. Because I had so strongly felt and believed that I was pregnant before, I felt a loss and went into a depression that I couldnt explain, I was overwhelmed with all of the procedures and felt a little alone.
When I started getting sick in February I was confused.. but believed that had I been pregnant surely they would have been able to tell. She had told us to be safe and we thought we were, so when I was pregnant I was even more confused. I had been pregnant through every single one of my procedures, and then was lead to even more confusion when I had an extra undeveloped yolk sac along with my living baby in the ultrasound.
In most cases they refer to it as a vanishing twin, which was likely caused by too much stress on the embryo during the procedures. I was at first very angry, How could I express that I thought I was pregnant and her not double check... Then I came to terms with the blessing of it all. When we found out that the cells were at a stage 2-3 of 3, she told me that in six months time they would have been full blown active cancer. Its also possible to give your baby the cancer cells through the birth canal. So I had to remember that she saved my life, had she not done the procedures I would have been looking at Cancer treatment for myself and possibly my child by the time I gave birth. Or would have had to make the choice to terminate. This gave me no choice, which saved my life and my babys. Maybe there could have been another baby, and that would have been amazing. But I feel lucky to have taken care of what needed to be, and still have our little baby Boy alive and bouncing around.
Our Little Ryden is our survivor, he was somehow strong enough to make it through the months of stress, procedures and depression. There is a reason he is still here with us, and although I was in no way prepared for it, I would never take it back! Its still hard sometimes, my entire pregnancy has been a whirlwind of emotions, and I still struggle from depression due to the immence changes that happened in such a short time.I pray almost daily for the strength to hold myself together. There could still be complications with my cervix later in pregnancy, but I have chosen to look at the good and let come what may. Ryden has made it through everything with me thus far, and I truly believe he is holding gods hand every step of the way. God blesses us in ways that we never expect, I wasnt even sure that my body was capable of concieving children after all I had put my body through, so to be here at 23 weeks feeling my baby boy bouncing around inside of me I cant help but feel blessed. Cancer is a scary word, at any age, but it was a blessing. Every trial is a blessing, it just takes different eyes to see it that way.

Easter fun with the Hunts!

Last Saturday we spent the day in Beaver Dam soaking up their 85 degree weather!
Payten, Jaden, Ben and Maizie all got to go Easter egg hunting! Then we got to celebrate Paytens birthday and watch her unwrap her presents. She was such a doll the whole day, she has this little spunky personality an she is non stop talking! And she LOVES money! After we left Beaver Dam, Chad and I went an saw the hunger games... Although I loved the book I hated the movie.. But it was still a fun weekend and a good getaway!

The Bump Begins!

March 5th was our first OB appt to check out the baby!! We knew I was pregnant, but it's just not as real until you actually get to see it! I had a day of spotting in January so I assumed that was my last period, so we assumed I was only 8 weeks along.. However I had an undoubted bump and been sick for five weeks so we were curious to see what the Dr would say. When we got in there he did an ultrasound to see if everything was okay and we all looked at this far larger and more developed baby! It had a face and was doing summer salts and had a strong loud heartbeat! He knew right off that I was further than I thought.. After measuring a few different things, he estimated me at 12 weeks!! One whole month further along!!! Which also made me feel alot less guilty for not waiting a year like my dr had advised.. I was already pregnant before my cervical issues even became an issue!( how they missed that? I don't know..) I am so excited to be pregnant and to soon become a mommy! I don't care if it's boy or girl, I will be thrilled with either! (next appt in 4 weeks we should find out gender!):D now let the real baby prepping begin! I'm almost out of the first trimester! And the bump is just gonna get bigger an bigger!!!

Holidays, Health Problems, And our new little addition!

Well Since my last Post life has been CRAZY! December was a whirwind of Holidays and Health Problems. Just a few days before Christmas I found out that I had Cancer Cells on my Cervix and was sent into procedure after procedure to try and take out those cells. Christmas was stressfull, but at the same time it was so fun! We had Ashtyn for almost two full weeks over the holiday and having a four year old who so strongly believes in Santa made the true joys of Christmas come out! We made it through the Holidays, then in January I went in for my final procedure to remove the rest of Cells, thank goodness we caught it just in time!
Chad has been slow at work, but we have taken on Six Chickens to keep him busy during the slow months of Concrete! We are now getting Six eggs a day, which gives us a little over three dozen a week! Ashtyn Loves the Chickens! However, my little Demi Bean isnt too sure about those little birds quite yet! I am turning Chad into a redneck one day at a time!

I started out February so sick! I thought I just had the flu that was causing me to be nauseated all the time.. I was Nauseous for two weeks, and Eight days late before Chad and I decided it was time to see if I was pregnant. My doctor had reccomended we wait a while to try so neither of us were expecting it! But sure enough when Chad walked into the Bathroom to check my little stick, it had in bold letters PREGNANT. I thought he was just kidding, but when I saw that I was I immediately started laughing and crying! I was so excited I could barely contain myself! We went into Ahstyns room and woke her up with the news, she was still a bit groggy and confused, but she is SO excited to become a big sister. She just cant quite figure out why its taking so long for her "Baby Sister" to get here.. (She is determined its a girl, she is also determined that I have 2 babies in there.) Chad and I are So thrilled to start our family together, and cant wait for our new little addition in October!

4 months!!!!

Well Chad and I are coming up on 4 months!!! Can you believe it!? It really does fly by so fast! Our wedding was beautiful and perfect! And since then we bought and moved into our first home in Enterprise. We've now finally settled in, and even painted majority of it! When we moved in the walls were the most putrid color of green and Barney purple... Now their brown with a few accent walls in red! We celebrated Ashy's 4th birthday! She is such a big girl and I fall in love with her more every single day! October was the deer hunt, and sadly we didn't see a DANG thing! November brought Thanksgiving, we got to spend it with both families, and although we didn't get Ash for the day, we did have a fun weekend with her afterwards! Now it's already December, we're both working like crazy! Ash is in a dance class and enjoying it! She shows us her cute little dance moves all the time! Christmas is coming in just a couple short weeks!!! And I am soooooo not prepared! We do have a tree, but no stockings (yet) and I haven't even attempted Christmas shopping yet! Soon it will be a new year and I am sure new changes to come as well!